alitloff

“After a long battle, we’ve finally won our right to the beach,” said Sam, the group’s representative. “These unsanitary creatures have been multiplying and spreading and taking over the entire coastline. We deeply resent this invasive species reproducing beyond sustainable numbers, over-running every square inch of space. Winning the right to use this beach has been a victory for seals everywhere.”

SAN DIEGO- A colony of federally protected harbor seals is causing a stink about whether it should spend its days lounging at a popular cove or be sent packing. On Monday, Gov. Arnold signed a bill that adds a marine mammal park to the list of acceptable uses for the sheltered cove where the seals have lived for years.

The city had planned to spend $688,000 to hire someone to walk the beach with a public address system broadcasting the sound of barking dogs to scare off the seals.
Ooohh, oohh, please please PLEASE can I have that job? I’m more than qualified to hang out at the beach all day, plus I can provide a real live barking dog. In fact, I’ll do it for a mere $400,000….Uh, might it be that spending over half a million to bark at seals is part of the reason why the state of California is fresh out of money?

One human observer wasn’t impressed. “I don’t particularly like them. I think they smell, and I’m not interested in looking at them,” said Big Man Small…(Yeah, I feel that way about a lot of guys.) “I don’t think there should be a whole beach for the seals.” BMS goes on to say, “Just because we have forty other beaches in the area to use, doesn’t mean the seals should get even one of their own. Let them stay at sea and drown. It’s our world to do with as we want, F everything else. Now bugger off, I have to work on my melanoma.”

Seals began showing up in increasing numbers during the 1990’s. In 1997, the city posted a warning that the pool shouldn’t be used because it was contaminated with high levels of bacteria from seal waste. Said one NJ tourist, “What’s a little seal poo? At least there aren’t also used hypodermic needles all over the sand like we have back home.”

In 2004, a disgruntled swimmer filed suit, alleging that a seal sanctuary was not one of the permissible uses listed in the state trust. That’s correct, here in the great USA, you can sue a seal. God bless America.

Go, seals.