The STD Advantage

The Lyme bacteria, which is related to syphilis, has been found in the sperm of infected men, inducing researchers to begin studying couples where both husband and wife have Lyme’s.

Imagine the possibilities. One example of how handy this could be is if you were a woman on a public beach, desiring nothing more than to sit peacefully by the water reading a book. But the surrounding crowds are noisy, the kids are obnoxiously spewing sand each time they run by, and single men seem to think that the only reason you’re sitting there is because you’re just dying to be swept off your feet by a 300 pound tobacco smoking, morning beer swilling Neanderthal prince charming.

This is how to rid yourself of the disruptions:

Say loudly to the next man who dares to ask, ‘honey whatcha reading?’, as if he was able to read or comprehend anything you say, “I’m reading up on the STD I have,” and watch what happens. While there’s always an outside chance that bozo will be happy to hear that you want to swap STDs with him, most likely, not only will Mr. Wihom (wonderful in his own mind) lumber away so fast that he spills beer, but also all the self respecting families will move away in disgust, leaving you enveloped in a large, peaceful, empty patch of beach all your own. And if anyone should grow so bold as to try to have you removed, you dirty unclean diseased wretch, simply look surprised and say, 'what, my partner gave me Lyme’s.' Make sure to have a printout of this as a bookmark in your book, as well as the results of your Lyme titer. And yes, even if you’re a single woman without a man in your life (i.e. happy), you can still use this. People are gullible.

Of course the sad reality is that if you do have Lyme’s, you’re taking that antibiotic so that you can’t even look out the window at the sun without getting all burned up. In that case, don’t even think about the beach, you cave dweller.