Foolishness

After I stopped running with scissors, I did this to the tag on the mattress:

Somebody call the police.

Why did I denude my landlords’ bed, the same landlords who have been so wonderful to me, in such a cruel and heartless manner?

I plead the fifth.

Take your squirrel sailing

One fall a few years back, I remarked that I thought that we humans had had our day, and that the squirrels were going to be the next master race. That particular year, they were very aggressive. At one point they were climbing all over the screens at my favorite marina, knocking on doors, wanting to come in. Approached, instead of exhibiting proper squirrel behavior by running up a tree, they would stand their ground and growl. They seemed bigger and heavier than in previous years. Scary.

A friend of mine wanted to get in one more sail before the snow started to fall. He loaded his guests into his dinghy and motored out to his boat on a mooring. There was a squirrel running around on the decks. They got ready to sail, and right before casting off, chased the squirrel onto the mooring ball, figuring that it since it had to have swum out to the boat from the seawall; it could just as very well swim back.

They had an hour’s great sailing before that New England adage kicked in: if you don’t like the weather, wait a minute. If you do like the weather, don’t get used to it. The sun disappeared, the wind and waves kicked up, temps fell dramatically. The fun was over. My friend decided that instead of getting everyone wet in the lousy conditions in the dinghy, he’d take the big boat into the dock, drop everyone off except for one hardcore sailing friend, and then the two of them would return the boat to the mooring and come back ashore in the dingy. Sails furled, they were motoring up the channel past the shipyard when people started shouting at them. Given the wind and the noise of the motor, they really couldn’t hear what everyone was saying, but it sounded something like ‘squirrel’. And people were pointing at the front of the boat. Someone on board went forward and looked over the bow towards the water. Sure enough, there on the bobstay clung a squirrel, possibly the first in history to sail Narragansett Bay as a figure head. Apparently, when they thought that the squirrel was safely left behind on the mooring ball, he had other ideas and leapt for the boat, which immediately began to pitch in the swell. There was nothing more he could do but say his squirrel prayers and cling for dear life.

As the boat approached the dock and turned to come alongside, the squirrel saw blessed land, and leapt. He hit the dock running, only to be stopped by a group of people walking towards him down the dock. Panicked, he looked for shelter, finding it in the exhaust pipe of a powerboat docked stern to. After everyone else cleared ashore, my friend and his pal approached the powerboat’s owner, who happened to be aboard, and said, “Pardon us, but there’s a squirrel in your exhaust pipe.” The guy laughed, and said “good one.” They insisted. The guy said, “man, what have you two been smoking, and can I have some?” They said, “Humor us.” The guy shrugged, said “OK,” and started his engine. The squirrel shot out the exhaust as if fired from a cannon, landed in the water, and disappeared under the dock. My friend looked at his friend, and then at his boat tied only a few feet away. “RUN,” he shouted. Fearing angry squirrel revenge, they ran down the dock, quickly untied the boat, and shoved off, before the squirrel could get back on board and do them bodily harm.

Turned out that winter was record breaking for cold. We had more than six feet of snow over the course of the winter. Those squirrels knew it was coming, and yeah, that would have made me crankily aggressive too, demanding to come inside, seeking a better way to protect my nuts from being buried and frozen.

AP: Officials: Pirates, terrorists not linked directly

That’s such a relief. I’d hate to think that the pirates sold out, or were bought out, or taken over in a corporate merger. Glad to know they are making it on their own.

I love how the government has coined, and the media glommed onto, the term ‘terrorist’. We’re supposed to quiver in our strappy sandals, and be forever grateful that we have the protection of our government, to keep us safe from such creatures that lurk outside our doors at all hours.

There always has to be a group out to get us:
Russians
Germans
Indians

Our ancestors eradicated the Indian threat, and we turned the Germans into our buds so we could drink their beer. The Russians fell apart of their own accord.

I remember the ‘Russian threat’ growing up. In school, we used to have drills where we had to practice hiding under our desks in the event of a nuclear attack. Even as young as I was, I knew that the underside of my desk was futile protection from harmful radiation. I played along to avoid calls to my parents and trips to the principal, but vowed that if there ever was an actual real live nuclear explosion, the last thing I was going to do was hide under my desk, because let’s face it, wads of gum, carvings of ‘j.c. luvs a.g. 4evr’, and old boogers, would be the last thing I’d ever see. Forget that. If there were to be a mushroom cloud, by gosh, I was gonna run to the window and look at it. Cool, that is so awesome… Our government was very clever in naming the next dangerous group to threaten our safety and well-being. Let’s just call them terrorists, shall we, because that’s not racial, and we can apply it to any group we want, as it suits us. That way each generation won’t have to go to all the hassle of thinking up a new moniker. We’ve got it covered.

rainy day mess

When your yard looks like this:

There's a good chance a bored dog will make your house look like this:


How's this for posting without any content whatsoever?