I really can't read

20 years ago, I pitched my TV out the window after a particularly annoying set of commercials. I chose to become an avid reader, mostly of non-fiction.

However, thanks to vision disturbances caused by that damn tick, I've been reduced to perusing short articles and stalking blogs. Reading for longer than five minutes at a stretch causes the world to get a bit spinny.

On one hand, since I don't do drugs and alcohol, it's kinda fun watching words change shape, elongating and then shrinking, right before they start swirling round the page as my eyeballs begin to roll around in lazy circles. On the other hand, it's incredibly annoying just after getting into a good book, especially when I give up and stand up. Walking in that state leads to banging into walls because the dang doorways won't stay in one place. And who knew that coffee table could use those legs to walk into my path?

I can read for a longer period of time if I proceed very slowly. See. Dick. Run. See. Jane. with. ax. See. Spot. pee. on. carpet...I have always been a very fast reader, so reading slowly annoys me in even shorter order.

Eventually this will resolve itself, but for now, there's not much I can do but stare at the wall or watch Netflix. Not that there's much difference between the two.

I have, however, gleaned some valuable lessons while watching Netflix online streaming videos (no commercials!). For example, from watching Mythbusters raise a sunken boat using ping pong balls, I decided rather than equiping my next sailboat with a life raft, I'll simply fill it with ping pong balls to keep it from sinking in the first place. This would have the added advantage of preventing injuries while getting tossed around down below in a heavy sea, or after a long night at a shore side pub.

And should I ever get lost in the wilderness, following Bear Grylis' techniques will get me dead in a day. However, channeling Les Stroud should see me through.

Les: It's very important to avoid getting wet or hypothermic if you want to survive.

Bear: And now, instead of making my way alongside this raging river, seeking some hapless creature to bite the head off, I'm going to tie a few sticks together and hang on tight as I barrel down the frigid rapids, bashing into rocks as I go. And should I lose this 'raft', I'll have no problem safely body surfing the rapids until I can make my way out, soaking wet, freezing, battered and bruised, just as the sun sets.

Granted, watching some dumbass try to shoot down a river holding onto a couple of twigs is more exciting than watching some guy camping comfortably beside it, however...

Here I am, once again that landlubber person I said I'd never be: one who watches and life on TV rather than actually living it. It's enough to make a person want to go get lost in the woods, ticks and all.*


I promise this will be the last time I mention ticks or Lyme's in any of my posts**

**probably