The Way Out

I mentioned in my previous post that the events of this ‘summer’ have caused me financial stress. I managed to pay the rent last week, but with the season now over and my mobility still somewhat challenged, I don’t have a prayer of making it until next spring.

I’ve been wracking my poor lyme-fogged brain over how to get out of this black hole of poverty, and believe I have found the answer. But I’ll need some help. Initially the participants will have to volunteer, but when the funds start rolling in, I’ll pay you back.

The first step is to move to Arizona and rent a house. The second is to organize a housewarming party, inviting my ‘girlfriends’. This is where the volunteers come in. Although no men will be invited, I will need one male volunteer on standby, preferably a boyfriend/husband of one of the women.

Each woman will bring a dildo as a housewarming gift. During the party, I will get in an argument/catfight with the woman who has the man in her life. She will accuse me of making eyes at him; I will accuse her of being a jealous witch. Things will deteriorate from there, and one of the other guests will call the police.

When the cops come, I will be on top, beating the woman about the head with a dildo, the others toys lying on the floor nearby. When the cops ask who owns all this contraband, the other women will collectively point to me. The officers will have no choice but to arrest me, because in Arizona, it is illegal to own more than two dildos. The fuzz may appear squeamish about taking me in, but the other women will insist, by threatening to report the cops for refusing to do their job. After all, the law is the law, and isn’t having so many instruments of pleasure as bad as having a house full of meth?

So what’s the financial advantage of getting arrested for having too many dildos (honestly can a woman have too many?)?

Once I’m out on bail, I’ll contact the tabloids and talk shows, selling out to the highest bidders. I’ll have already written a rough draft of the book, ready to clean it up with pertinent details. It will have to be published quickly, before my five minutes of fame wear off.

I probably won’t make a fortune, but I bet I’ll at least be able to refrain from having to reside in my car over the course of the winter. And even if this plan doesn’t pan out as designed, at least car dwelling will be more comfortable in Arizona, rather than freezing in frigid New England.

Who wants to come to a party?