Don't Mess With the Redneck Chicks

A true story of my ‘hood.

Two guys in their early 20’s had been burglarizing in the city for a while, but it was getting old. Since the downturn in the economy, there were always so many nosy neighbors gadding about, reporting suspicious activity. It was hard to get away cleanly.

“Ya know what we need to do?” says one. “what?” says the other. “Jack a white van and head to the ‘burbs. All those folks are loaded, and no neighbors would think twice about a white van in the drive. We’ll go in all cool like we’re workin there, and all will be golden.”

“Man, that’s a great idea. Lets go look for a van.”

Fast forward to the duo driving south out of the city, because that’s where they heard all the rich folk live.

They drive blindly, and find a remote house on a quite street. 'Yeah, this is it. Let’s go.'

They are used to folk who work 9-5. It’s 2. They bust in, and start grabbing stuff they want to take.

Being latchkey kids, they have no concept of mom coming home to meet the bus at 3.

Mom pulls into her single lane drive behind the white van. 'Hmmm, I’ve requested no workmen….what’s up?' She walks in to find her possessions piled by the front door. And does country mother freak out, run screaming from the house? Nah, not in this hood. She’s had a rough day, and all that anger is burning…"HEY ARE YOU ASSHOLES STEALING MY HARD EARNED STUFF???" The said assholes stand stunned, like deer caught in the headlights….And Country Mom starts throwing punches. "NONONONO…..you dumbf*cks"….The yelling and screaming goes on, far beyond what these city boys have ever encountered, and the two robbers think, hell the neighbors gotta notice, we’d better bail….but Mom’s car is blocking their stolen vehicle. Crap, nothing to do but head for the woods. How bad can it be? Les Stroud and Bear Grilis do it all the time…..

Yeah well, this is swamp yankee woods. Its entirely filled with briars and muck.

The police report stated that the suspects were apprehended shortly after dark……

Of course they were, pansy city boys…no doubt running down the road, hands in the air, shouting, 'for gosh sakes someone call the cops to arrest us. Get us out of here and take us to jail where it’s warm and dry.'

I hope the word spreads: don’t underestimate country folk, especially swamp yankees. You city folk may be used to living behind lock and key, but we in the woods know that our muck is mightier, and we’re not putting up with any crap from you.