Time, tooth and nail

I am blessed with something right now that most people only dream of: spare time. I know this is a gift, and I’d like to think that I’m using it wisely. Working on my tan, brushing the cat, stalking neighbors…

Right now I’m on the Narragansett Bay, hanging out with the most wonderful group of boat bums I’ve ever met. In a few days I’ll be off to Florida for some exciting adventures crossing the Gulf Stream in an engineless sailboat at the height of hurricane season. Sooner or later I’ll have to go back to work. I should have a long time ago, but have been all caught up in traveling. Besides, work sucks.

Many may wonder how I can afford such a luxurious lifestyle.

I rob banks.
I sold my children.
I can live on air.

First of all, it’s not luxurious by any American standards. A lot of my traveling around this country was done in an Astro van which I converted to a campmobile. The rest was done on a variety of sailboats, visiting foreign lands. I am lucky enough to be able to live on very little. Never having gotten married and having kids saved me from the tremendous expense of mortgages, dirty diapers, college funds, divorce, rehab, bail.

Some smug people with children have asked me ‘who will take care of you when you get old? I usually ask them who is taking care of their parents. ‘Are they living in your basement? Do you keep them in the attic? Stuff them in a closet?’ No, they’re in a ‘retirement community’, 3,000 miles away now that you moved. And they’re paying for it themselves, with your inheritance money.
I don’t need kids to lock me up when I get old. The authorities will probably do that for me long before I age. There is probably a nicely padded room somewhere, already set aside for me.

Besides, is there any guarantee that I’ll get old? No. Not one. Warranty not implied. I could die tomorrow in some bizarre hangnail accident.

This doesn’t mean I don’t keep an eye to the future. Many career oriented people ask me: How will you finance retirement? How will you afford to live once you can no longer work? That’s easy: someday I’m going to win the lottery. Failing that, I’d like to think that my minimalist lifestyle will always be easy to finance.
Hey buddy, can you spare a dime…
Security is an optical illusion anyway.

Automatic Voodoo Doll

Has your loved one sailed off taking all your earthly possessions including your heart and the cat? Are you so busy picking up the pieces of your shattered life that you just can’t find a spare moment to get revenge on your ex loved one? Or are you simply so livid that you don’t even want to see a likeness of the now rotten apple of your eye long enough to stick pins in it?

We here at Alitloff Center have your answer: the automatic voodoo doll. Send us a photo of your soon to be sufferer, and we’ll send you back this handy item. Simply fill it with bird seed, chant the included incantation, and hang it up. Every time a bird picks out a seed, your former till-death-do us-part partner will flinch. Savor the thought that while you are hard at work trying to rebuild your dismantled dreams, your wastrel will be wondering why on earth those bits of flesh are so sore.

Using the Automatic VooDoo Doll
When you are certain the intended victim needs to be punished, this is the proper path for your wrath.
The Chickadee Curse may:
• Home in on the victim as if directed by avian radar.
• Cause them to fear cats, owls and hawks.
• Make them flap their arms a lot.
• Give them a craving for bird seed.
• Cause them to squawk at four in the morning.
• Give them funny sore spots.

Order your automatic voodoo doll today!