Happy Snew Year

White stuff is falling on New Year’s Eve, for a change. I do believe this may become an annual New England tradition, just like the Christmas cold I get every year, without fail. Honestly, I’d prefer the fruitcake, to go with all the others out there.

I do pity all the amateurs, who, after getting wild and crazy all evening, will have to navigate that slippery, checkpoint-laden pavement, probably losing their buzz in the process. Personally, I’ll be in bed long before that exciting magical event of numbers increases by one, which is almost as exciting as the day that we go from, say June 9th to June 10th. Woohoo, whoopee!

I don’t normally make New Year’s resolutions, but will make an exception this year: My goal is to avoid deer ticks the way I avoid relationships with men. As if they carry the plague or something. If I find one clinging to me, I’ll bash it with a rock until there’s nothing left but a few shattered bits.

That way I can continue my peaceful, happy, singular, unencumbered existence.

Still, all in all, it’s been a decent year, despite the temporary setbacks of illness, poverty, and driving a car with no heat. Nobody I know, including me, died, and spring is just around the corner.

Right?

Work it, baby, work it

I'm sorry, well no I'm not, actually, but I found this to be extremely funny. I can just picture it, doing those squats, when splat, out pops a baby.

Who Didn't Know That?

AP: Gender Divorce Gap After Illness Strikes

“When faced with the serious illness of a spouse, men are far more likely to walk away than women, startling new research finds.”

Are you F*ing kidding me? What’s new or startling about that? Does everyone live with their head up their arses?

Who doesn’t know that men can’t handle emotional caca? Literal pooh, they can deal with. Like if the toilet overflows, crashing down into the living room in a brown mushy mess, your man is there. He may not know how to fix it, but he’ll remain calm, cool, and collected, managing to call in all the right people to take care of the disaster.

But if one of your kids gets seriously injured in a motorcycle accident, he’ll disappear into the woods with his hunting buddies.

Don’t worry, he’ll be back once your daughter learns to walk again.

If a wall of your house is breached by a runaway moose, he’ll be there to heroically remove that rampaging beast from your bedroom. And then he’ll manage to securely strap a tarp over the hole, right before that massive rainstorm hits.

But if you’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer, rest assured that he’ll be off with his girlfriend while you’re getting chemo. Once you’re all recovered, don’t wait for him to come back. Men have one focus in life, and that resides below your neck. He’ll stick with that mistress until it happens to her. Then he’ll get an upgrade for her too.

It’s a fact of life, like dog poo on your shoe, that the vast majority of the male species simply is not equipped to deal with emotional issues. Whether or not this is a genetic design flaw, or is a result of not playing with enough plastic dolls as kids, is open for debate.

If you are one of those ladies fortunate to have discovered a man who can cope with the crisis of illness, rather than taking off to the pub till all is well again, congratulate yourself. That’s a rare breed not seen in the wild very often.

Make up your minds already!!

These two headlines were side by side on my news page this a.m:

Molecular Proof: Exercise Keeps You Young
People who exercise regularly tend to stay healthier as they age, and now new research may explain why. Compared to people who did not exercise, elite runners in the study had cells that looked much younger under a microscope.

Too Much Exercise May Pose Arthritis Risk
The study involved men and women of healthy weight, without pain or other symptoms. Knee injuries were more common and more severe among those who engaged in high-impact, weight-bearing activities such as running and jumping. The researchers are continuing to follow the participants to see if those in the high-activity group actually develop arthritis and if low-impact vs. high-impact activities affect their risk.

In other words, if you’re a runner, eventually you won’t be able to walk, but you’ll look so young and healthy sitting there in your wheelchair.

Please excuse me now; I’m off to apply for a government grant to study the effects of reading too many conflicting reports early in the morning.