Armageddon is Here

If you didn’t save yourself by stocking up before the day of the Turkeys, it’s too late now. You’re screwed. From this point on, you’ll have to take your life into your hands each and every time you venture out among the surviving turkeys that will be roaming loose in every store during this season of ‘I want it, it’s mine, and I’ll kill you for it.’

If you actually enjoy that sort of thing, risking angry crowds ready to trample you for a cheap bauble, standing in long lines of cranky, complaining, and most likely highly germ-ridden people, overpaying for that crap, well, what can I say? It takes all types to make the world go round and spinny.

If, however, you’d like to be saved from being one of those voted most likely to end up on next T-day’s table, I can help you learn how to have a calm, peaceful, non-angst filled holiday season, all without spending more than you could manage to rob from the bank.

Simply send $199 plus $400 shipping/handling to Alitloff Center, and I will send you the intimate details of how to use my program. Following my protocol will keep you safe, un-broke, un-flattened, and yet still show your loved ones just how much you care.

May you survive this holiday season unstampeded.

Is it abnormal to have formed a family out of a group of disparate, yet similar, people? Given that the vast majority of families are made up of oddballs who have nothing in common but the same nose and a genetic tendency towards dreaming about axes, I suppose it’s acceptable.

I now find myself part of a family that formed because we were all in the same boat, which had sprung a major leak and was sinking fast. A failed business leading to loss of home, a new business which will eventually grow strong, but is currently struggling in this economy, an illness that curtailed earning potential so much that keeping a roof overhead became a remote possibility.

By taking to the life raft together, we saved ourselves, drifting to this spit of land, where we became a semi cohesive unit, almost as dysfunctional as any of our blood relatives, loving each other nevertheless.

Later today, another stack of people, all of whom are unable to afford to be with their genetic families this year, will be bringing a dish to the table, joining us in sharing the warmth and love. Maybe we can even argue a bit, just as families do, discussing such things as, does this holiday seem like VJ day to some? Do certain tenants of this land really want to celebrate the day that their ancestors came along to save the carcasses of a bunch of sorry white folks who were completely unable to care for themselves in this land of bounty, only to be repaid later by being annihilated nearly out of existence?

Happy Turkey Day, because goodness knows there are plenty of them out there.