Truth in Advertising

In my real life, I don’t own or watch TV. I usually live on a boat, and sail around experiencing life in the raw, true and unedited, instead of watching someone’s fake plastic version.

Recently, however, I have had the joy of commercials. Mind you, I only watch the weather channel in the morning, while eating my cereal and waiting for the tropical update, to see if there are any named storms bearing down on my beloved, who is sailing ‘out there’ somewhere. tag (See previous post) This few minutes every morning is enough for me to see dozens of commercials, which leads me to scream,

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???!!!”
Now I understand what has gone so horribly awry in modern society.

I actually suspected a long time ago that advertising was at the root of our shallowness and insecurities. I think the quintessential example was the mouthwash commercial that introduced us to a concept that didn’t exist before advertisers thought it up: morning breath. Thanks, mouthwash maker, for teaching us that instead of waking in the morning, sighting our loved one beside us, and greeting that person with a smile, a kiss, a cuddle, and perhaps even more, we were supposed to turn away in shame, leap out of bed and race for a big swig from that blue or green bottle beside the bathroom sink.

Razors for women were invented by advertisers. It started in the early part of the last century, during the flapper phase when dresses for women became sleeveless. As the dresses grew shorter, the razor companies saw an even greater opportunity to sell more products. It’s acceptable for men to look like men, but if a woman looks like a woman, and not like a prepubescent little girl, STONE HER, she must be a witch. Or a lesbian. Okay guys, I can see that the little girl fantasy might get you arrested. The closest thing you can get is a depilated adult female.

Women must have a certain body shape, and their boobs MUST conform. If these mounds don’t fit the image, there are various types of torture devices, commonly known as bras, to try to force these unruly masses into the proper configuration. Failing that, there’s always the silicone option. Have you ever used silicone? It’s oozy, messy, impossible to clean up, and doesn’t hold up well. If I avoid using it on my boat, why the heck would I want to put it in my body?

While it’s a tragedy to die young, it’s a sin to look old. Buy the red sports car, cover that gray, transplant that hair, zap those unsightly wrinkles away, take that pill and dance like a teenager! Take this pill and perform like one too! Great, you too can have a heart attack while reliving your misspent youth.

Hmmmm…Come to think of it, advertisers may be right on that last one. I know I would prefer to go out with a dance and a wiggle, rather than zonked in the recliner in front of the TV watching commercials. Moving on…

We have been conditioned to spend all our time, effort, energy, and money chasing an entirely elusive and subjective concept: Perfection.

If you believe what you see, it’s impressive to consider how much the average person in modern society needs to rush out and purchase to become even marginally acceptable.

Guess what, folks, my boobs are small, free and unfettered, my legs are hairy, no chemicals are plastered on my face, and my hair dries in the fresh air. I drive an aged ford escort, buy clothing from goodwill, and don’t care what the neighbors have/do/look like that I don’t. In fact, I don’t give a #$%* at all what the neighbors think of me. I accept myself, despite advertisers trying to subtly and subliminally point out all my flaws. I like me!

I should be exterminated. If more people started living naturally as I do, think what that would do to products currently sold by the billions. World economies would collapse. Entire industries would disappear. And we would all have more time to spend enjoying each other, which is a lot more important that spending our lives in the bathroom, trying to live up to a standard that does not exist.