More Proof That Humans are Idiots

This year’s conference opened by citing the human article that stated:

'Scientists say dolphins should be treated as 'non-human persons'. Dolphins have been declared the world’s second most intelligent creatures after humans, with scientists suggesting they are so bright that they should be treated as “non-human persons”. The researchers argue that their work shows it is morally unacceptable to keep such intelligent animals in amusement parks or to kill them for food or by accident when fishing. The scientific research . . . suggests that dolphins are ‘non-human persons’ who qualify for moral standing as individuals.'

While we applaud this conclusion if it leads to a bid to stop the murder and enslavement of our mates, having our intelligence compared to that of humans is downright insulting.

This article only serves to prove that human beings are persisting in their outrageous belief that they are intelligent, despite their complete inability to live within the natural habitat this planet provides for them. The only reason these creatures didn’t die off a long time ago is because of their creation and use of tools. Somehow, this gives them the erroneous impression that they are better than any other creature on the planet. However, our studies have proven that any human placed outside, in any environment, be it field, jungle, lake or ocean, without tools, without protective covering, does not survive for long, unlike every other species in existence.

Originally, we found this human shortcoming of needing tools to survive to be quaint and amusing. We had no qualms about permitting them to carry on. After all, the ships they built provided us with our own Olympic venue and athletic training centers for our youth. We were able to use the detritus left in the ocean to create our underwater entertainment centers, which as everyone knows, have been highly popular. Watching human efforts to flail about in our element was always a great show, as well as providing valuable research into their behavior.

And of course, what humans did on land was not our concern. However, in recent years, their numbers have increased so alarmingly that our own well being is now threatened. The manufacturing processes involved in the making of the sheer amount of tools that the human species needs simply to get through a single day, is starting to affect our oceans to the point that, in the next several generations, our descendants’ health and well being may be severely affected.

It is time to act. In order to attempt to control the exponential growth of this species, we are in the process of setting up legislation banning aid to any human, as was previously encouraged. No longer are we permitted to assist them when they’re in distress, take them home and play with them, keep them as pets, or leave food out for them. Also, we’re forming research teams with sharks, to determine an effective way to reduce their numbers. Hunting seasons and quotas may need to be mandated in a bid to manage the quantity, before we are forced to say “goodbye and thanks for all the fish.”