Work it, baby, work it

I'm sorry, well no I'm not, actually, but I found this to be extremely funny. I can just picture it, doing those squats, when splat, out pops a baby.

Who Didn't Know That?

AP: Gender Divorce Gap After Illness Strikes

“When faced with the serious illness of a spouse, men are far more likely to walk away than women, startling new research finds.”

Are you F*ing kidding me? What’s new or startling about that? Does everyone live with their head up their arses?

Who doesn’t know that men can’t handle emotional caca? Literal pooh, they can deal with. Like if the toilet overflows, crashing down into the living room in a brown mushy mess, your man is there. He may not know how to fix it, but he’ll remain calm, cool, and collected, managing to call in all the right people to take care of the disaster.

But if one of your kids gets seriously injured in a motorcycle accident, he’ll disappear into the woods with his hunting buddies.

Don’t worry, he’ll be back once your daughter learns to walk again.

If a wall of your house is breached by a runaway moose, he’ll be there to heroically remove that rampaging beast from your bedroom. And then he’ll manage to securely strap a tarp over the hole, right before that massive rainstorm hits.

But if you’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer, rest assured that he’ll be off with his girlfriend while you’re getting chemo. Once you’re all recovered, don’t wait for him to come back. Men have one focus in life, and that resides below your neck. He’ll stick with that mistress until it happens to her. Then he’ll get an upgrade for her too.

It’s a fact of life, like dog poo on your shoe, that the vast majority of the male species simply is not equipped to deal with emotional issues. Whether or not this is a genetic design flaw, or is a result of not playing with enough plastic dolls as kids, is open for debate.

If you are one of those ladies fortunate to have discovered a man who can cope with the crisis of illness, rather than taking off to the pub till all is well again, congratulate yourself. That’s a rare breed not seen in the wild very often.

Make up your minds already!!

These two headlines were side by side on my news page this a.m:

Molecular Proof: Exercise Keeps You Young
People who exercise regularly tend to stay healthier as they age, and now new research may explain why. Compared to people who did not exercise, elite runners in the study had cells that looked much younger under a microscope.

Too Much Exercise May Pose Arthritis Risk
The study involved men and women of healthy weight, without pain or other symptoms. Knee injuries were more common and more severe among those who engaged in high-impact, weight-bearing activities such as running and jumping. The researchers are continuing to follow the participants to see if those in the high-activity group actually develop arthritis and if low-impact vs. high-impact activities affect their risk.

In other words, if you’re a runner, eventually you won’t be able to walk, but you’ll look so young and healthy sitting there in your wheelchair.

Please excuse me now; I’m off to apply for a government grant to study the effects of reading too many conflicting reports early in the morning.

Leafing

Having spent so many years on the sea, what I wonder about may appear to have an obvious answer to you more experienced landlubbers.

Why do people rake up, bag up, and cart away all the leaves in their gardens? And why do they follow up that process by going to the store, buying bags of mulch, and spreading them all over the now leaf-free land?

I'm not talking about the leaves on the lawn. I do know that grass grows better when not buried alive. I'm talking about gardens, ornamental and otherwise. Granted, so much of my life has been lived on the sea that my education in these matters is lacking, but I have noticed, while hiking in the woods collecting deer ticks, that the earth in forests, which is naturally mulched by fallen leaves, is lush and rich. Is there a reason why letting fallen leaves lie on ‘civilized’ landscaping is not acceptable?

A few of my theories:

Raking leaves into a big pile helps feeds that strong desire to leap without actually dying.

Containing leaves in plastic bags satisfies a desperate attempt to feel in control of one’s destiny.

Messing with mother nature helps kill time in an unemployed existence

There was nothing to watch on TV at the moment

Needed a place to hide the bodies

Am I close on any of those guesses?

Armageddon is Here

If you didn’t save yourself by stocking up before the day of the Turkeys, it’s too late now. You’re screwed. From this point on, you’ll have to take your life into your hands each and every time you venture out among the surviving turkeys that will be roaming loose in every store during this season of ‘I want it, it’s mine, and I’ll kill you for it.’

If you actually enjoy that sort of thing, risking angry crowds ready to trample you for a cheap bauble, standing in long lines of cranky, complaining, and most likely highly germ-ridden people, overpaying for that crap, well, what can I say? It takes all types to make the world go round and spinny.

If, however, you’d like to be saved from being one of those voted most likely to end up on next T-day’s table, I can help you learn how to have a calm, peaceful, non-angst filled holiday season, all without spending more than you could manage to rob from the bank.

Simply send $199 plus $400 shipping/handling to Alitloff Center, and I will send you the intimate details of how to use my program. Following my protocol will keep you safe, un-broke, un-flattened, and yet still show your loved ones just how much you care.

May you survive this holiday season unstampeded.